Suddenly your child is in high school and it’s all about planning and eventually applying to college. It’s hard to imagine how quickly the time goes. It moves fast, but it doesn’t have to be furious.
So before you jump into the process take a step back, and define your role. You’ll be most constructive as a source of support and guidance. So manage your stress, do your research, and chart out a plan. Like any good guide, staying calm and knowing the territory will bolster your ability to keep things on track when needed.
Managing Your Stress:
Regardless of your teen’s year in high school, the best way to get worked up and anxious is to jump ahead of yourself and imagine everything that applying to college involves. This is the perfect setup for feeling threatened and believing you won’t be able to cope. So put on the brakes before you get anxious. Remember how you react to college planning and application pressure sets the overall tone.
- First capture all the worried thoughts that are probably floating around in your head.Write whatever comes to mind. No editing, yet. Getting these thoughts out on paper lets you see them for what they are–thoughts. You have a better chance at managing your stress once you can see its thought related triggers. And you might be surprised by what thoughts are percolating outside your awareness, adding to your worry. In fact, looking at what you have on paper you may decide to immediately cross off some of your triggering thoughts as you see how unrealistic, and even catastrophic they are.
- Watch out for black and white/ all or nothing thinking, such as Jake has to get into his first choice college or he will never be happy. Believing there is a perfect college for your teen creates a fast track to getting overly stressed and even anxious. Realistic thinking involves flexibly considering that more than one school could be a good match for your child. And be aware of “what if statements”. What if Lisa doesn’t have enough extracurriculars? What if Max can’t pull up his grade in math? Ask yourself how likely it is that one factor will determine your child’s chances for college admission.
- Beware of getting caught up in all the chatter about college among your friends and on the internet. It’s easy to absorb others’ worries and to feel overloaded with information.Before you get overwhelmed, consider how relevant something is for your child. Do they really need to apply to 15 schools and get formal test prep for SATS and ACTS? Do they have to have an outstanding extracurricular record? Take a look at their particular pattern of strengths and their goals for college, socially, environmentally, and academically. Remember college application is not one size fits all.
Do Your Research
- Start your information gathering from reliable sources. This allows you to further cross off unrealistic beliefs, and to start realistic goal setting. Good sources of information include your child’s high school guidance/college planning staff, general college guides, and the internet. If you have the financial means you can also work with a private college coach. Their main contribution may be finding the best college match for your child, not getting them into the college of their dreams.
Chart Out a Plan
- If you are one of those super organized people, before your child’s freshman year you can start creating a broad based road map to set up a framework for what you should be thinking of each year. If you are in a position to choose among schools for your child (private school, magnet programs) you will probably need to start planning by 7th or 8th grade.
- Junior year is when the heat starts to mount. But stay cool. Find out what your teen should be doing and what the deadlines are. This includes any standardized tests, PSAT for merit awards, SATS, ACTS, and getting letters of recommendation from school personnel by the end of the school year. Junior year can also be the year of redemption if the first two years have had some bumps. Colleges look at positive trends. So even if some bad grades have hit, all is not lost. Work with your teen and their guidance counselor/college advisor to plan for a good academic year. This includes understanding what got in the way previously, for example study habits, lack of motivation, too many AP’s, or too many extracurriculars.
- But its never too late to start. Even if your teen has completed junior year before you have focused on a plan, don’t panic. See what you and your teen need to get done during this approach to the finish line. Senior year is where parents have to directly do certain things, such as filling out the FAFSA and other financial aid information. Also review information on what should have been done in previous years, it may be too late for some things, but your child might be able to do some final catch up.
And remember as your child’s guide and supporter, your job is to have the information and suggestions available, not to impose them on your teen. Work to strike a balance between being there to help, without taking over. Otherwise you’ll get the all too familiar “leave me alone” response.
You can find more information at:
US News and World Report
Independent Educational Consultants Association (IECA) Provides general information about college coaching.